Somehow you resurrected in my thoughts.
In all honesty
I forgot you were alive until just tonight.
Not to be rude.
Just to say
I erased you from my memory
You just hurt me so strongly
without even laying a hand on me.
Because I put so much hope
in something that was not even in front of me.
You were too far away to hold my body
you pulled out every last heart string.
I willingly let you unravel me
til I was beyond frayed.
When you told me every beautiful thing
that no one had ever said.
You shouldn’t have.
Because I had not grown into enough of a woman
to realize your sweet words wouldn’t satisfy me
and you had not grown into enough of a man
to realize your selfish love would leave me hurting
My father gently warned me
that you were not for me
But I screamed at him saying he did not understand
When the one who didn’t understand was me.
So when it unfolded as he predicted
I did not fight. I did not flee.
I buried you.
I buried me.
So deeply I forgot you existed.
I forgot how I loved you.
But a latch has come undone
and the memories are flooding over me.
You were the first to call me babe.
You were the first to say beautiful things about me.
You wrapped me in your assurance
You tied my name into your future
and promised to catch a plane just to see my face.
Because that was the thing.
You were not here next to me.
You were on the coast, across the country.
We started as convenient bliss
but passion made promises
unable to be kept
because of unhealed insecurity
that lead straight into our heart-wreck
No more phone calls until 3am.
No more phone calls at all.
I can barely remember your voice.
But I remember ‘coffee dates’
Which was simply you sitting with your coffee somewhere across the country
while I was sitting thousands of miles away with my cup of tea
as we talked to each others love-struck faces through our screens.
I remember phone calls in hotel stairwells.
And parking lots.
Wherever I was
Wherever you were.
I would always pick up.
One Christmas I spent more time escaping to phone calls with you
than the people giving me love right there in the room.
You cannot give me that time back.
And neither can I.
It was all your fault
And it was also all mine.
You were never here.
But my heart had a way of tricking me
That was all I deserved.
I did not deserve a hand to hold
a chest to lean into
kind eyes to see all of me.
So I settled for an invisible love
that has shaped my mind and heart
to believe I don’t deserve the full
that I should be satisfied with just a part.
It turned from belief that I didn’t deserve ‘whole’
To belief that ‘whole’ love did not exist for me.
That it will always be invisible.
That there will never be a hand to hold
eyes to get lost in.
or heartbeat to memorize.
So now I can see
When I let boys close
I adapt the same habits
That you started in me.
I just feel what I feel
and don’t expect much in return.
A boy will be standing in front of me
And I will be loving him with all of my being
while he is doing nothing to love me.
Cause it feels as familiar as loving you
from across the country.
So I am brilliant at convincing myself
there are real things in front of me
when actually there is nothing true to see.
This part of me is useful when God says
not to see, but believe
but when it comes to loving a man
It winds up hurting me.
So I am writing this to you
But I am not writing this for you
Because it does not matter
if you ever read this.
This is not an attempt at revival.
We’re still a book that will never have a sequel.
Just one deeply lived story.
However short it was
I know it was lived to the depths.
But this re-telling of our story.
It is not for you
It is for the new hearts in front of me
It is for the new woman inside of me
finally seeing things.
May we learn from your ‘too little’
and my ‘too much’
May we learn from our youth
even though you were older than me.
We were both not old enough to see.
Thanks for letting me love
You never stopped me from doing that
You were practice, I see
Now I will wait
For the one who sees me.
He will see me right in front of him
not just through some screen.
We’ll be able to sit across from each other
sipping countless cups of tea.
or I guess he could like coffee.
He will have the hand I get to hold
The breath I need to borrow
The eyes that tell me things his words cannot.
And I know I will want to be things for him
that I never thought of being for you
I will be his biggest cheerleader
and his strongest teammate
The one he wants to tell his sweetest victories
and silliest joys to
I’ll be the one he gets to chase Jesus with.
The one who will embrace his imperfections
As he embraces mine.
Because we will both see the other and just know
I didn’t mean to wake you up.
You can go back to rest.
No need to reply.