to him, for you & me

Somehow you resurrected in my thoughts.

In all honesty 

I forgot you were alive until just tonight.

Not to be rude. 

Just to say

I erased you from my memory

so thoroughly.

I’m sorry. 

You just hurt me so strongly

without even laying a hand on me. 

Because I put so much hope

in something that was not even in front of me.

You were too far away to hold my body

so instead

you pulled out every last heart string.

I willingly let you unravel me

til I was beyond frayed.


When you told me every beautiful thing

that no one had ever said. 

You shouldn’t have.

Because I had not grown into enough of a woman 

to realize your sweet words wouldn’t satisfy me

and you had not grown into enough of a man

to realize your selfish love would leave me hurting


My father gently warned me

that you were not for me

But I screamed at him saying he did not understand 

When the one who didn’t understand was me.


So when it unfolded as he predicted 

I did not fight. I did not flee.

I buried. 

I buried you.

I buried me.


So deeply I forgot you existed. 

I forgot how I loved you.

But a latch has come undone

and the memories are flooding over me.


You were the first to call me babe.

You were the first to say beautiful things about me. 

You wrapped me in your assurance

You tied my name into your future

and promised to catch a plane just to see my face.

Because that was the thing.

You were not here next to me.

You were on the coast, across the country.


We started as convenient bliss

but passion made promises 

unable to be kept 

because of unhealed insecurity 

that lead straight into our heart-wreck


And suddenly. 

No more phone calls until 3am.

No more phone calls at all.

I can barely remember your voice.

But I remember ‘coffee dates’

Which was simply you sitting with your coffee somewhere across the country  

while I was sitting thousands of miles away with my cup of tea

as we talked to each others love-struck faces through our screens.

I remember phone calls in hotel stairwells.  

And parking lots.

Wherever I was

Wherever you were.

I would always pick up.

One Christmas I spent more time escaping to phone calls with you

than the people giving me love right there in the room. 


You cannot give me that time back.

And neither can I.

It was all your fault

And it was also all mine.


You were never here. 

But my heart had a way of tricking me

telling me

That was all I deserved.

I did not deserve a hand to hold

a chest to lean into

kind eyes to see all of me.


So I settled for an invisible love

that has shaped my mind and heart

to believe I don’t deserve the full

that I should be satisfied with just a part.


It turned from belief that I didn’t deserve ‘whole’

To belief that ‘whole’ love did not exist for me. 

That it will always be invisible. 

That there will never be a hand to hold

eyes to get lost in. 

or heartbeat to memorize. 


So now I can see

When I let boys close

I adapt the same habits

That you started in me.

I just feel what I feel

and don’t expect much in return.


You see

A boy will be standing in front of me 

And I will be loving him with all of my being 

while he is doing nothing to love me. 

Cause it feels as familiar as loving you 

from across the country. 


So I am brilliant at convincing myself

there are real things in front of me 

when actually there is nothing true to see.


So I am writing this to you

But I am not writing this for you

Because it does not matter 

if you ever read this. 

This is not an attempt at revival.

We’re still a book that will never have a sequel. 

Just one deeply lived story.

However short it was

I know it was lived to the depths.


But this re-telling of our story.

It is not for you

It is for the new hearts in front of me

reading this

needing this

It is for the new woman inside of me 

writing this 

finally seeing things.


May we learn from your ‘too little’

and my ‘too much’

May we learn from our youth

even though you were older than me.

We were both not old enough to see.


Thanks for letting me love 

You never stopped me from doing that 

You were practice, I see 

Now I will wait 

For the one who sees me. 


He will see me right in front of him 

not just through some screen. 

We’ll be able to sit across from each other 

sipping countless cups of tea.

or I guess he could like coffee.


He will have the hand I get to hold

The breath I need to borrow 

The eyes that tell me things his words cannot.


And I know I will want to be things for him 

that I never thought of being for you 

I will be his biggest cheerleader 

and his strongest teammate 

The one he wants to tell his sweetest victories

deepest wonderings 

strongest struggles 

and silliest joys to 

I’ll be the one he gets to chase Jesus with.

The one who will embrace his imperfections 

As he embraces mine. 


Because we will both see the other and just know







So thanks. 

And goodbye. 

I didn’t mean to wake you up.

You can go back to rest. 

No need to reply.